Allow me to help myself to a bit of your weak self-help ass

Ahhh…. Yesterday’s soul cleansing hammering of Oprah and her godforsaken book club has left me feeling as giddy as a school boy touching a girls bum for the first time at the school dance. As such, I feel I should extend my “makin’ shit right” streak to two days. And so for today I shall delve into the world of the self-help book.

I know, you’re thinkin’ “but Herr Rhett this is such an easy mark!” and you’re right it is. Damn near everyone in the world seems to think that the whole self-help book idea is about as diabolically stupid as something can be but for whatever reason this is a area that pulls in roughly 8 bazillion dollars a year in the states alone so some twits are buying it. Thus, allow me to explain the theory behind self-help books.

Let’s begin by looking at the name… Self-help. Ok, now a book telling you how to live your life seems to contain very little helping on your part, a better name would be, “You’re a weak minded insecure twit who needs to be told how to be happy-book” but that doesn’t fit well on the shelves at the bookstore. Although on second thought it is mildly appropriate, as in “let me help myself to your money”… ya, that works. For example… in Tony Robbins’, the walkin’, talkin’, informercial of the modern world, book… one of ‘em, fucked if I care which, they’re all the damn same anyhow, all he does is plug other books, cd’s, and seminars… i.e. “I’ll help you be a better person by showing you blah, but for that you’ll have to buy my cd and come see me in Lake fucking Tahoe my man!” Reading between the lines… no wait, it’s not even between the lines it’s right fucking there, gimmie cash! And people do this. I know of a girl who’s gone to New York, Toronto, Vegas… she’s traveled all over the place just to see Tony goddamn Robbins! I’m not talking “I happened to be in NY”, I’m talking went just to see him, screw everything else in NY, Tony Robbins is there. How fucked up is that? Ok.. mister Robbins, if you’re shit actually worked why do people have to keep buying crap to be a good and happy person? Isn’t that about right? If the book actually worked there would only need to be one, no damn cd’s and shit? On this topic everyone go read Generica by Will Ferguson right now, go!

Alright, got a little worked up there. Ok. Now besides the fact that they’re obviously just after cash, they’re frauds to top it all off. To give you an idea… there’s some sort of “technique” called NLP, I have no idea what that is but in the bit of research I’ve done I’ve come across the term repeatedly. Anyway, Robbins… and I don’t mean to only hack on him, they’re all worth it but he happens to be the one I read about most. As I was saying, Robbins has something called NAC which is NLP reworded and copyrighted. This is common, even in the world of Physiotherapy there was a new technique called “Active Release Therapy”, I won’t get into what exactly it is but essentially it was something that physio’s had been doing for ages but some bloke came along and thought, “hey if I put a copyright on this, stick my name on it and call it something catchy I could take home wonderful cash prizes!”. And he/she did while physio’s who had been doing it for ages grumped not so much for not thinking of it but because their profession was reduced to the level of Jerry Springer essentially… just not professional. I can understand Robbins doing this in the dog eat dog world of motivational speakers though, I mean where as a physio is recognized as a health care provider by… well everyone, Blue Cross, Doctors, the Government and folks aren’t supposed to be pricks, everyone recognizes that the self-help world is only after cash… well everyone but the dumbass folks giving them cash.

The biggest fraud of all though has been uncovered recently though, you’d think this would slow down the mighty motivational ball but it didn’t even pause, the guppies are good and brainwashed so it’s far too late. A cornerstone of all motivational speakers has been a study conducted at Yale University. This is such a huge thing to them that I’ve even had a girl I know pull it out on me during an argument that consisted of me telling her self-help books were crap and her not listening while telling me how great her life is since Tony told her how to live. The basic jist of the study is thusly:

In 1953 the graduating class of Yale University was asked if they had written down goals for their future, 3% had. The other 97% wrote down phone numbers of the hot chicks or something, but it weren’t goals. 20 years later, the surviving (surviving? What the fuck happened in 20 years?) class was surveyed and it was found that those 3% that had written down their goals were more financially successful than the other 97% combined! (the exclamation sets that off so well). Holy shit eh? Better git yo azz writin’ down some goals fo sho. The problem with this amazing study is that it never actually took place, and yes there is documented proof of this I’m just too lazy to site them… mail me if you’re in dire need of verification, better yet type in a google search for “Yale goal study” or something like that ya lazy bastard. Anyway in searching for the actual study it could not be found. Some fellow contacted Yale to discover that it in fact never happened, no one was asked about goals or whatever. Now you’d think that a blow like that to the Self-helpies would rock their world to the core and bring it tumbling down, but no, the fucking morons are so brainwashed into thinking they need this that they don’t even question it. Stupid.

Fucking Oprah

BLAARRRGH!!!

That's the new sound of frustration. Blargh.

For years Oprah and I have had and understanding. We don't like each other. I think she's full of shit and she doesn't mess with my world for fear of my internet blogging wrath... hey I work with what's here. But no... no no no... Oprah had to go and stick her wannabe worldly, do-gooder ass in my bidnezzz. The Oprah Book Club. Most of Oprah books are... well why pull punches now, they suck. They're shit, tripe, bollucks, crap, worst. books. ever. But fine.. she want's to promote mindless drivel to her slakjawed masses, that's fine by me. But suddenly... someone has suggested that Oprah broaden her horizons and thus, she's crossed the line. William Faulkner is now an Oprah Book Club author. To hell with you Orpah and your damned PR people with you! William Faulkner, one of the greatest writers of the written word has now been brought down to the leave of afternoon fluff tv. Now some of you may be saying... "but herr Nelson, surely you're wrong! This will bring three of the great works of literature to the masses!" No, and don't call me Shirley (thank you Leslie Nielsen).

The theory that through Oprah's popularity the book will be brought to a whole vat of folks in dire need of enlightenment is a nice one but there's a problem you see; people are stupid. More precisely, people who watch Oprah and buy her book club books are stupid. Not all of course... no nevermind, I'm in no mood to be my normal not wanting to step on toes Canadian self, if you watch Oprah you've wasted 1 hour of your life that you will never get back... it's like slowly committing suicide. To illustrate my point here's some reviews from Amazon of the Faulkner Oprah book club 3 book set:

"I really disliked this story. People don't speak the way this is written. I read books for entertainment and it is not entertaining when you have to wonder all through the book what in the world the author's talking about. How did Faulkner ever get so famous? I felt like a kid asking "what did he mean by" and "what does this mean"? I will never take an Oprah review seriously again. She really missed the boat on this one!" - Kneesa... maybe you felt like a kid because you have the intelligence of a 12 year old, stay with your Archie comics and leave the big books to mommy and daddy.

Another: "It is so depressing. Do people live like this? I am not sure of the message here. I will read the other two; maybe they are better." - Karen M. Berkhofer... awww poor you, did da bad bwook make you sawd? There there... you take your blanky and have a cwookie, we don't need dose sawd bwooks.

Lastly: "This book is extremely difficult to follow the language used and the constant change of character. I still have not finished this one to start the others but Sparknotes is a good resource to get through difficult texts & has proven beneficial in getting me through some of this one. I am not quitting reading this, I have accepted the challenge :)" - K.E.M.S.... yay for you... Knows Every Made Star Trek, you're such a trooper! Buying a book to read and then buying Sparknotes to figure out what it means is kinda like accepting a job as an radioactive gorilla groomer and then running home to Ask Jeeves what exactly that is. No sort of help me I'm dumb book should be used for a book you buy just cause. If you have to read some warped middle or old english version of Beowulf for some dink professors sadistic pleasure then fine, but if you're reading just cause... figure the shit out or don't buy it!

You see my point? An amazing author like Faulkner being reduced to "people don't speak the way this is written". BLARGH! This is why Oprah is now on the permanent shit list. If someone said they didn't care for the book and presented a decent arguement for why, fine, not everyone agrees with Faulkner's views, but I don't like it cause it's hard... piss off! Stick to your fucking Oprah and Dr. Phil, read your daily Dibert and sip on a large cup of shut the hell up!